-
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak
A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo
artist $1,000
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one
day, carrying bag of money
Management
Observation
Chinese
Proverbs
The
Bill Gates Car
How
Viruses are like People
A waitress walks up to one of her
tables
Men / Women
What
are Politics?
A devoted wife had
spent her lifetime taking care of her husband
A
vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona
From
the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esquire
You
don't know Jack Schitt
Top
Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra
Computer
Acronyms
An
old man was sitting on his front porch
-
The
absolute worst things to say to a police officer
A
woman went into a tattoo parlor
A
brunette, a redhead & a blonde went to an expensive restaurant
A BLONDE WENT OUT TO HER MAIL BOX AND LOOKED IN
-
A
young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor
The
Wife2K Problem
A
young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson
In
a city park stood two statues
IRONIES
OF LIFE
MAKE
ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!
A
mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming
A
man, called to testify at the IRS
A
man is flying in a hot air balloon
-
Bill
Clinton was visiting an elementary school
During
the French revolution
A
man was walking along a California beach
A
minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school
A
guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty
YOU'RE A REDNECK
IF
A
guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date
Men
Fight Back
We
knew that mankind, with his clever mind, would come up with a solution to
the Y2K computer problem
These
should make your day
A young man is wandering, lost in a forest
-
At a medical convention, a male doctor, and
a female doctor
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a
plane to New York
The finals of the National Poetry Contest
this year came down to two finalists
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything
Rules that guys wished girls knew
Hallmark Cards You'll Never See
TRUE MEANING BEHIND A SINGLES AD
On
Friday the 24th I was watching the NASA channel on cable TV to see how the
experiments
Funny bumper stickers
Police
arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old white male
Here is a classic that has been around, but few of you have probably seen it
Welcome
to America, Our Land Of Opportunities
THE
DETECTIVE
A
blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island
Bill
Clinton is sitting next to a 19 year old White House intern one day
There
was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market
A
blonde tried to sell her old car
AP - Monica
Lewinsky, in a statement released today
The
LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best
The
Ventriloquist
Top
50 Oxymoron's
After
the Great Britain Beer Festival in London
A
blond had a near death experience the other day
A
young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain
A
man was taking his son to the ball game
SIGNS
THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK
LIST
OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
Funny
signs around the country
Smith
& Wesson was the original point and click interface
This
is real-honest-to-goodness story from the San Jose Mercury Newspaper
Where
do you want to go today? Straight to hell, apparently
A
helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled
-
COMPUTER
PROBLEM REPORT FORM
Four
men were bragging about how smart their dogs are
I
was told this as a true story
This
is purported to be a transcript of an actual radio conversation
A
man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing
One
of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp
This
guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years
Thoughts on
Life
The
Morning Song (for Non-Morning People)
A
BLONDE WENT OUT TO HER MAIL BOX AND LOOKED IN, CLOSED THE DOOR AND
Two
Italian men get on a New York bus
Three
guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day
Top
10 Police Comeback Lines
A
sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up
Surprise,
Surprise, Surprise
With
just a little tact and eloquence, I think we CAN all get along
A
contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday
This
man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning
There
was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile
A
New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very
lonely
Kung-Fu
Theater Makes Laughter Feeling in Me
A
twelve-year-old boy comes home from school and his mother says
Jerry
Fallwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight
Two
blondes were working on a house
There
were three babies in a woman's stomach
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high
school
Joe
and Bob died in a hunting accident
A
mother and her small daughter were in New York City
A
husband and wife were in their back yard
Like
A Virgin
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to
who is the best programmer
A
man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining
The
3 Programmers
Cinderella
wants to go to the ball
Little
Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
Thoughts
It
has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
One
Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters
-
THE
FACELIFT
A
drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day
A
golf story?
An
old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City
A
young couple were married and celebrated their first night together
Is
your computer male or female
A
girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
A
man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop
A
lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
-
A
missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives
One
day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts
Four
married guys go golfing
FEMALE
COMEBACKS
One
morning this blonde calls her friend and says
Back
in the days of the glorious British Empire
Jane
was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence
A
ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm
WARRANTY
CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
This
was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website
Quiz
for the MEN
It's
a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo
One
and two liners
This
may be one clear indication of who is the smarter sex
If
you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately
Toddler
Property Laws
Moses,
Jesus, and an old bearded man were out playing golf one day
Signs
the New Mir Computer is Running Windows 95
The
Perfect Day
A
businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble
A
bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day
A
woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office
Good
to the last drop
One
day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home
David
received a parrot for his birthday
Funny Signs in Great
Britain
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into
the woods
Twisted
Disney Jokes
The
Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog
An
Ebonics Homework Assignment
A
Serious Question
Job
Interview
-
Good
stuff to remember
Ben
and Bessie are senior citizens
Holmes
and Watson
Rocky
Mountain Oysters
A
man goes into a restaurant and orders soup
Five Most Dreaded Questions
The Accident (PG)
A
7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
Twenty Five things you will NEVER hear a woman say
Good
Questions to ponder
State
Quotes
BUMPER
STICKERS I'D LIKE TO SEE
Where
does an Irish family go on vacation and more
She
Must Have Been Blonde
A
man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food
One
morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
A
guy walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist
WHY
MEN ARE GLAD THEY'RE MEN
ACTUAL
SEX LAWS AROUND THE WORLD
Marriage
rules
An
Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for
ham
Understanding software version
numbers
Top
25 Country Songs of all Time
A
husband and wife love to golf together
Great
Comebacks for the typical AO Hell chat
The
Penis Poem
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment
A
man walks into a bar and says bartender gimme a triple
Subject: Genderism
The
Redneck Family Tree
Women
think they already know everything, but wait
Hooker
Hand job Harry and his wife are having rough financial times
A
husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate
A
blonde was recently hired at an office
Bumper
Stickers and One Liners
A
man has been in business for many, many years and the business
Pondering
ONLY
IN AMERICA
A
married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby
Raisin
Bread
Think
about this
YOU
KNOW YOU WORKED DURING THE 90's IF
President
Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven
It
makes you think
Before
and After
TOP
TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T
TOP
TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T
TOP
TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
An
Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo
A
rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat
There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg
Breaking
The Silence
A
blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive
An
elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony
The
phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
A
blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which
Stumpy
and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year
So
a female and Male tiger are sauntering through the jungle
An
English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam
Tony
comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
Guys
have all the luck
FROM
THE WHITE HOUSE
Satan
in Church?
Nun
in a cab
One
day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out
50
Fun Things to do in a Mall
A
doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die
FDA
Warnings
Henry
Ford dies and goes to heaven
Church
Bloopers
Once
upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years
TOP
TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
The
husband emerged from the bathroom naked
A Blond Joke With A
Twist
How
much is that Barbie in the Window?
A
guy dies and goes to hell
Why did the chicken cross the
road? ( by famous people you know )
I'M
GLAD I'M A MAN
Children's
Books That Didn't Make It
A
couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous
A
mother and father take their 6 year old to a nude beach
THINGS
THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T
I
LOVE MY JOB. ( By Dr Seuss )
The
blonde reported for her University final examination
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape
deal
Great
Comebacks For Those Stupid Old Pickup Lines
Little
Johnny
A
smart Blonde?
Computer
Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See
Signs
That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s
Idiot
Sightings
Jeffrey Dahmer Jokes
A
man got a job as a night watchman at a factory
Daffynitions
Breaking
Up Is Hard To Do (especially when you share the same major!)
HOME
ECONOMICS, then and now
A
burglar broke into a house one night
"Mice
Bragging"
Once
upon a time there lived three men
A
magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean
What
did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? and answers to lots of other
questions
LIFE
BEFORE THE COMPUTER
The
George Carlin Theory
There
once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man
A
blonde wanting to earn some money
A
Good Irish Catholic joke
An
escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple
A
little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an
erotic sex shop
Fruitcake
Recipe
More
Questions to Ponder
Ben
goes to Rome
My
uncle spent days looking for his new hat
A
few good ones
Salesman
with Talent [PG-13]
A
LONGGGGGGGGGGGG SENIOR MOMENT
Mildred
was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent
A
guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted
Fresh
out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant
The
new minister's wife had a baby
Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed
A
young minister was just starting out at his first pastoral job
A
beautiful young lady having just returned from a magnificent week
What
does HMO stand for?
Stupid
people should have to wear signs that say
A
family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel
A
gay couple is driving along one afternoon
The
Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin
Real
Newspaper Headlines
WHY
SANTA CLAUS HAS TO BE A MAN (IRREFUTABLE TRUTH)
A teacher comes into the class room and there is a red apple
A
lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store
Condom
Slogans
White
Liquid
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a
patient
Size
of Condoms
A
man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier
The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man
Taxidermist
Jim
decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
"Doctor,"
the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem
A
family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
Druggist's
Bad Day
There
were these two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center
Fallen
A
married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair
HOW
TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
A
psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he
A woman goes to the
vet
A
Packer fan in a bar leaned to the guy next to him and said
The
local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
Even
More
Questions to Ponder
Two
college seniors had a week of exams coming up
How
do you measure a blonde's I.Q (and more)
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade
There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful
How
you know you're in Southern California
The
three bears had been having some trouble recently
Seems
an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
THE
40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
A
little boy wanted $100.00 very badly
A
middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital
Naomi
Campbell, Claudia Schaffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying
Yesterday,
scientists for Health Canada suggested that men
An
American soldier, serving in World War II
Three
nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning
A
man and his brother inherit a farm, on the farm there are some cows
A
Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building
A
whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front
Don't
Disgrace your Family
Joe
grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college
A
man decides to have a face lift for his birthday
28
Basic Bar Translations
An
old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical
It's
the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date
A
little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out
Taxpayer's
Lament
Men
& Women Compared
Baby
Boomers: The '60s vs. the '90s
Hillary's
New Parrot
It
seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent
Three
guys and a girl were at a bar and the guys
A
West Virginian walked into a pharmacy and asked
There
was once a young man who, in his youth
Park
Bench
A
man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather
More
Thoughts
A
guy walks in to an ear doctor's office
A
new primary school teacher starts her first day of class
An
old man went into the Social Security Office
Two
little southern ladies, BobbySue and Marybelle
The
skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period
-
A
man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away
Scientists
at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens
During
her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe
Ten
Things that Piss Me Off - George Carlin
Words
of wisdom (by some famous people)
5
Reasons not to be a Penis
Good
Questions - Good Answers
Back
in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor
Cheap
Liquor
The
psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers
In
a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist
An
American man is having his coffee, croissants
Two
old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke
Bob
received a free ticket to the Super bowl
There
were 11 people hanging onto a rope
A
couple goes to bed to sleep for the night
Bubba
died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad
A
guy gets home late one night and his wife says
There
were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda)
Two
women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex
Mrs.
Jones sent her daughter Silvia to buy some groceries
Dennis
Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy
First
Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno
-
Two
guys were bungee-jumping one day
A farmer hires a college student one summer to help
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one
night
A
man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer
-
A
couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon
Useful
Phrases To Use At Work
There
was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting
"How
did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand
A
fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake
One
day three men were walking along and came upon
An
elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
Three
third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a hillbilly kid
Now
this guy knows how to do it !
Three
hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas
After
having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough
A
woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor
Three
cowboys are sitting around a campfire
A
man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat
Sex
is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight
Two
tourists were driving through Louisiana
It
was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married
-
A
primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see
Sister
Mary burst into the office of the principal
A
man boards an airplane and takes his seat
A
fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman
A
New York man was forced to take a day off
Five
Kinds of Sex
White
House Questions
A
little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm
A
man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him
Dogs
and Women
A
teacher asked her students to use the word
A
young man goes to confession saying
There
was a married couple who were in a terrible accident
Who
Was It?
There's
a guy and a girl and they want to have sex
A
gay guy walks into a barber shop
A
small company was on the edge of bankruptcy
Little
Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides
There
was a couple in bed one night
A
girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated
This
blond gets pulled over by a cop
A
teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely'
A
lady walks into an Ice Cream Parlor and asks
These
three women were roommates. One night they all
There
was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip
Falwell's
New Crusade
A
mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink
Farmer
Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious
Things
You Would Never Know Without the Movies
A
truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch
A
preacher wanted to raise money for his church
A
nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement
Little
Johnny was sitting one day on a dock
A
blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator
Bill
worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
A
husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a
Millionaire"
The
couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends
Hillary
is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor
A
little boy walks into his parents bed room to find his mother on top
One
afternoon, three close friends named Hercules
Mike
and Bob had just finished the first nine
A
man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering
A
man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl
An
eighty year old man went to the doctor for a physical
One
day at school, the topic of the day was
Actual
Signs
My
Dog, Sex
The
following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand
A
truck driver is driving along the freeway, and a sign comes up that reads
It
was time for Father John's Saturday night bath
Actual
Newspaper Headlines
Two
gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo
There
was a couple trying to save some money
This
old man in his eighty's got up and was
THESAURUS
OF MEN
Two
law partners hire a good looking, young secretary
Once
upon a time, a gay man with a tremendous sex-drive died
RELATIONSHIP
BUTTONS
Monica
Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store
Little
Johnny and his little sister are peeping through the keyhole
A
Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man
These
two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar
There
was a hooker who lived in a condo on Lake Shore Drive
Poland's
Worst Air Disaster occurred today
An
office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee
Little
Johnny was eating breakfast one morning
It
is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival
A
catholic priest is about to go on holiday
A
Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar
A
young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach
Arkansas
Driver's License Application
God
created the mule, and told him
Three
engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus
Two
idiots drove to a gas station in a remote district
Things
you don't want to hear during surgery
The
Top 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life
These
are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award
A
State Government Employee sits in his office
A
newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception
A
young woman says to her doctor
A
guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh
A
fifth grade class was taking a field trip
Little
Johnny, where's your homework
A
drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church
-
A
guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town
-
The
boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
There
was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco
A
young guy is speeding across a bridge in his fancy sports car
The
third grade teacher was teaching her English class
A
construction worker walks into a bar
A
woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list
An
Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall
A
woman went to the doctor's office for a physical
One
day Little Johnny went to his father
This
guy walks into a quiet bar
One
day during English class the teach asks
Sitting
on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers
A
young boy had just gotten his driving permit
A
priest was called away for an emergency
The
Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal
Little
Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married
It
was little Johnny's first day in school and the class
One
day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies
One
day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town
The
wedding date was set and the groom's three pals
Little
Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused
The
Top Ten Sentences That You'll Never Hear Your Girlfriend Say
Several
years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine
A
ELEVEN REASONS WHY HAVING E-MAIL IS LIKE HAVING PENIS
A
bear and a rabbit were crapping in the woods
For
all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer
A
man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES"
A
man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead
-
A
young couple, married just a couple of weeks
A
guy walks into to bar with his pet monkey
An
old man woke up in the middle of the night and found
A
wife arrived home from a shopping trip
At
an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting
A
policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training
A
group of couples went on a fishing trip
SEX
STYLES
A
man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry
It
was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle
The
big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker
TO:
All Employees
Little
Johnny and his friend, Jenny, were playing together in the sandbox
Wheelchair
Demon
Johnny's
Electric Train
Signs
Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker
Never
Too Old For A Tetanus Shot
A
cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
A
sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town
A
man and a woman meet at bar one day
A
male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub
Little
Johnny was watching his mother take a bath
A plane was taking off from Kennedy
Airport
Three
men died and went to heaven
Peter
decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob
There
was this guy who had a girlfriend named Lorraine
After
a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven
Two
men were walking their dogs around the local country club
New
Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's
A
very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar
One
day a man went up to a shop assistant and said
The Three Religious Truths of Life
A
little boy and girl were playing doctor
Little
Johnny's parents were trying to potty train him
One
evening, Little Johnny was sitting at the kitchen table doing
A
woman died and went to heaven
A
woman is very distraught because she hasn't had a date or any sex
A
mother was preparing pancakes for her two sons
An
eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall
Two
car salesmen were sitting at the bar
A
woman walks into a bar and orders two shots
Interpreting
A Police Report
A
young couple took their 8 year old daughter to the zoo
A
little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking
A
beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist
A
farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed
Great
lines from job evaluations
President
Clinton was looking for a call girl
The
Beverley Hill-Bobbits
Three
young women are at a cocktail party
Tasteless
Jokes
Delta
Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate
Dave
works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime
The
teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds
Dan
married one of a pair of identical twin girls
A
woman goes into an ice cream parlor
A
high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam
Employer's
/ Employee's Lingo
Three
international convicts were on the way to prison
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a
big problem, doctor
Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one
day and said
A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to
visit her priest
Two tall trees are growing in the
woods
The
balcony of the execution chamber was full as the old black murderer
A
man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch
Little
Johnny 's next door neighbor had a baby
Some
good questions
Mrs.
Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years
A
young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class
An
older gent had an appointment to see a urologist
The
psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health
Benefits
of exercise
A
priest is out for an afternoon stroll
Little
Johnny had never had sex in his life
A
young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together
The
Pentagon recently found it had too many generals
A
dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas
Three
guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village
Two
gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee
A
salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release
An
American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school
Little
Johnny's teacher decided that the children should learn about mime
One
day mom was cleaning junior's room
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a
Yankees game
The
kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
Twenty
Responses to Use With Telemarketers
A
married couple were asleep when the phone rang
Two
blondes are walking down the street
A
blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her
Diet
Rules for Cheaters
Bob
lived in an apartment building and had to walk
Monica
Lewinsky was walking on the beach when
TOP
TEN REASONS TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE
One
day, Grandma sent her grandson, Little Johnny
Dam
Fish
A
man and his son were walking down the street one day
What
job ads *really* mean
Rodeo
A
woman desperately looking for work goes into the warehouse
-
Little
Johnny walks into the bathroom as his father steps out
How
Dogs and Men Are the Same
You
Know You're In Trouble When
Bert
met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks
Little
Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating
The
following is a key to success in maintaining a successful marriage
The
Beverly Clintons
A
film crew was on location deep in the desert
THE WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS
A 64-year-old accountant left a letter for his wife
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf
Little
Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
-
There was a little boy who loved to dress up like a cowboy
Three
old men were talking about how much their hands shook
As
a crowded airliner is about to take off
The
first girlfriend decides to get a total makeover
Is
it proper for a man to profit from
A
blind man was traveling in his private jet
Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing
doctor
After
the recent worldwide strike of the "I LOVE YOU
VIRUS"
The
dentist was called away from the dinner table
Six
year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon
A
loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary
The
gynecologist 's first patient of the day arrives
A
doctor walked into a bank
MALE
DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES
An
elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers
A
woman went to her doctor for advice
A
student in medical school wants to specialize in sexual disorders
An
autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture
The
Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation
Experience
is something you...
Little
Johnny goes up to his mother and asks
A
retired gentleman went into the social security office
Sixth
grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class
An
elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided
A
small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
TOP
10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING
A
young punk gets on the cross town bus
In-flight
Humor
A blonde woman is driving down the
road
A
married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph
There
was a middle-aged couple who had two
How to
travel with kids
A
man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred
A
man goes into a cafe and sits down
The
wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a
You're
in incredibly fine condition, the doctor concluded after finishing
A
group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel
An
American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico
A
blonde goes out for a walk
Little
Mary was out with her Grandmother when they came
Little
Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson
One
day the teacher decides to play an animal game
There
were two elderly people who lived in a nursing home
A
farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening
A
little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking
Herr
Buhler enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table
Things
you won't see on Hallmark cards
The
teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers
An
older man was married to a younger woman
King
Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest
There
was an American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican
Two
guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes
Three
couples wanted to be admitted into a new church
A
man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes
Little
Johnny walks in on his grandmother having a shower
Bob,
a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge
A
man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK....... BUT
CAN'T
How
to tell when you're in Southern California
Little
Johnny was in his math class one day when
A
mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family
The kindergarten class were now in the first
grade
There was a loser who couldn't get a
date
A
prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before
One day at school, the topic of the day
was
Bob's
father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party
Scholars
have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus
The
rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple
Things you
will never hear a guy say
A
minister would up the services one morning by saying
A
young ventriloquist touring the Southwest stopped
A
woman is having her annual physical
A
sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills
One
day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden
This guy wants to be a
proctologist
Reasons
Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
"NEW"
Bumper stickers
A
woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed
Little
Johnny had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane
A
Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
You
Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When
Little
Johnny catches his parents going at it
A
lady approaches her priest one day and says
19
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by DAVE BARRY
Four men-an East Indian, a Jamaican, a Native American, and a
white man
Little
Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole
Long
Island Driving Rules
John
and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant
The
Pope and Queen Elizabeth were on one of the balconies
A
guy took a blonde out on a date one night
On
the farm lived a chicken and a horse
A
young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided
A
priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing
A
woman was waiting in the check-out line
A
lady goes to the doctor and complains
Little
Johnny didn't show up at school one day
It's
wise to remember how easily email
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden Of
Eden
"Why
do you look so glum today?" the teacher asked young Johnny
We
noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant
A man decides to have a face-lift for his
birthday
A
guy walked into a bar
One
night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib
A
guy walked into a bar. Once inside, he realized it was a gay bar
A
koala bear from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York City
Little
Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath
One
day, a lawyer died. He went to the gates of Hell to receive
A
family was traveling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo
In
the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking
3
guys died and when they got to the pearly gates
Three
gays were discussing what they thought their favorite
Male
bashing
The
blonde went into a shoe store to buy a pair of alligator shoes
GOVERNMENT
NOTICE
An
elderly man entered a car agency with his young wife
At
school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults
A
man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor
A
middle-aged man who is about 5 feet, 8 inches tall walks into a Wal-Mart
The
Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
An
American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish
Little
Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making
Three
guys applied for a job with the CIA
Pierre,
a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie
The
hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up
An
Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper
Two
friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street
HOW
TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS
This
chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief
One
day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo
Little
Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch
An
angry wife was complaining about her husband spending
A
doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO
ANAGRAMS
Little
Johnny asked his mother, "Mommy, is it true
A
guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said
Two
little boys were sitting on the porch
A
guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop
Little
Johnny's earth science class teacher was lecturing on map reading
The
woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office
The
following quotes were taken from actual medical
Sherry
goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem
Little
Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute
The
local United Way office realized that it had never received
30
Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
Little
Bobby got a brand new bike for Christmas
The
government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists
An old farmer was having trouble getting his bull to breed
This
woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
A
nice young worker from the post office was sorting through
-
A
couple drove several miles down a country road
Relationships
Before And After
A
man is out shopping and discovers a new
Two guys
and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day
It
was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale
Grandpa
and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench
Two
nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent
A
guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going
It's
Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions
A
Chap walks up to another chap
A
woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast
Ethel
and Mabel, two elderly widows
A
squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border
A
flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice
Little
Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day
A
nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel
Firestone
Tire Slogans
A
dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
Two
brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physical
Why
did the steering wheel have lip stains?
Little
Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by letting loud farts
A
young dating couple were driving down the road
A
truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers
Pick
up lines that could get you killed
Famous
Last Words
A
jealous husband hired a private detective to check
Last
summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run
Morris
was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift
After
a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land
What
they Really Mean
The
City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
One
day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside
At
Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything
Three
sisters are getting married but their parents are to poor
While
undressing for bed one night, good old Bill
On
their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival
God
made Adam and saw that he was good
"And
will there be anything else, sir?"
One
day there were two boys playing by a stream
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth
Gender
Of Computers
Jake
was on his deathbed. His wife Susan,
An
American attorney had just finished a guest lecture
A
Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story
Al
Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One
A
man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle
Ninety-four-year-old
Mrs. Hatcher showed up
A
young man wanted to purchase a gift for his
A
wife arrived home after a long shopping trip
A
guy wakes up in a drunken stupor
A
businessman was confused about a bill
This
preacher was looking for a good used lawn mower
On
reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see
Three
ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain
A
man and a woman were deeply in love
A
man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
A
young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving
The
beautiful secretary of the president of a bank
A
guy walks into a bar, sits down next
The Top 10 Christmas phrases that sound
dirty but aren't
Dear Santa
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman
Three contractors were visiting a
tourist attraction
-
A woman went into a department store
Three nuns on a train had been getting
to know one another
Abbott and Costello
The Real Meaning of Abbreviations In
Personal Ads
One day a young man went to a pharmacy
Howard is a 95 year old man who lives
in a senior citizen home
An executive was in quandary. He had to
get rid of one of his staff
Gay George goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run
A man in a state of excessive
inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle
30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
Three boys are in the school yard
bragging about their fathers
A
group of golfers were approaching the first tee
At
a church one day, the nuns are lining up
Little
Johnny was standing at the side of a river
A
guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario
There
was a man who really took care of his body
A
retired gentlemen went into the social security office
A
girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend
Malborn sat in his attorney's
office
A
little old lady goes to the doctor and says
Things
only a Mother can teach
A
minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex
One
day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit
A
team of archeologists is excavating in Israel
THE
COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM
Bush's Acceptance Speech
After
years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie
One
day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand
A
fellow bought a new Mercedes
Dear
Tech Support
A businessman was in a great deal of
trouble
An
elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
Declaration
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
In-flight
safety lectures
Things
You Should Know About Women Part I
Things
You Should Know About Women Part II
LEARNING
CHINESE
Who's
that?
The Blondes
get even
The
following are some classic written excuses
It's
Saturday morning and John's just about to
Jack
was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down
A
man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep
Drinks
& Personalities
Pierre
and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines
What's and
Why's.....
A
blonde and a guy were out on a date
Two
guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama
One
day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out
Three
girls all worked in the same office with the same
George
Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
Why
Men are Proud of Themselves
John
was a clerk in a small drugstore
There
was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA
Hillary
Clinton died and went to heaven
Last
winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach
He said...
She said...
When
a guy's printer type began to grow faint
Cats
A local charity office realized that it had never
A
group of Americans was touring Ireland
Apology
to People's Republic of China
"Official"
Apology to the PR
A
princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens
A
young man had just graduated from Harvard
The
lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter
Teacher
cautiously approaches the subject of sex education
George
Bush was jogging along the beach when he came upon
A
LETTER TO THE IRS
THINGS
TO DO AT WALMART WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME
Lewis's
cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine
A
husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary
THE
BEAR AND THE ATHEIST
Matt's
dad picked him up from school to take him
President
Clinton and the Pope died on the same day
A
redneck family from the hills was visiting
The
room was full of pregnant women
John
and Mary had been high school sweethearts
A guy walks
into the human resources department
A teacher
noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
A guy walks
into a bar with a small dog
An eye
doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die
A doctor
answers his phone and hears the familiar voice
A very
proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store
In Ireland
there is a mental institution that every year picks two
A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row
George Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the
37 Rude & Crude Pick-up Lines
A man left work one Friday afternoon
A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit next to a
Nun
The teacher
in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parent
A man took
his wife deer hunting for the first
-
An
eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years
Dad came
home one day in an exceptionally horny mood
How did the
accident happen?" asked the doctor. "Well,"
50 Fun
Things To Do In An Elevator Part I
50 Fun
Things To Do In An Elevator Part II
50 Fun
Things To Do In An Elevator Part III
50 Fun
Things To Do In An Elevator Part IV
A mother
took her little boy to church
Little
Johnny was playing in the farm yard one morning
50 Things
Cool about Being a Man
Van Gogh's
Relatives
It was
George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
A man
enters a bar and asks the barkeep for a shell
As you may
know, the Albuquerque housing market is
A guy goes
to hell and is met by the devil
How many
women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Little
Johnny and his dad came across his puppy
During the
wedding reception in the family mansion
"Mary,"
asked Dawn thoughtfully one day
There was
an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed
There was a
competition to cross the English Channel doing only
A
ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian
Shortly
after a new police commissioner took office
At a Texas
University, a Professor had been teaching
A man who
had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service
Ode To A
Mammogram
The Queen
and Bush
A dumb
blonde died and went to Heaven
Memories of
Bill
A police
officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver
The teacher
says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first
A father
came home and asked where his son was
The
ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids
A couple
took their young son for his first visit to the circus
Dear
Taliban, Mr. bin Laden
Guide to
Male Vocabulary
Bush and
Powell are sitting in a bar
A crusty
old man walks into a bank and says
A woman
pregnant with triplets is walking down the street
A couple of
boys were fishing at their special pond
It has been
known for many years that sex is good exercise
Men, be
more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer
Funny
Thoughts Courtesy of George Carlin
How does
one achieve 103% in LIFE?
A professor
of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade
Little
Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch
A woman
walks into her accountant's office and tells him
The
preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike
Little
Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package
Clinton is
out jogging around in some of the seedier areas
The pretty
teacher was concerned with one of her
One day,
during a lesson on proper grammar
Little
Johnny returns from school and says he got an F
Marriage
Counseling
A quick
glossary of Female keywords, and their meanings
SO YOU
THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH
A young man
had seriously dated three girls
Maria just
got married and being a traditional Italian
A guy walks
into a bar and sees a man sitting
An Irish
wife was having a shower and slipped over on the
A primary
school teacher decided to see how
-
Three old
ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
One day the
teacher decides to play an animal game
Three dogs
were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's
Arthur
Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Little
Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip
Jon takes
his dog for a walk
TRANSLATING
EMPLOYER/EMPLOYEE DESCRIPTIONS
Little
Johnny is walking home from the store
Harry and
his wife are driving in the country when he sees
Little
Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came
Leonard
desperately wanted to become a doctor
Two deaf
people get married. During the first week of marriage
Little
Johnny is delivering newspapers
After much
soul searching and having determined
You know
that you've joined a redneck HMO
Three
ladies all have separate boyfriends named Larry
Couple
months ago, I was rushing around trying to get some
On The
Couch
Satan
greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates
A
preacher was telling his congregation that anything
All
too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
There was
this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk
The priest
in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept
Two
rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up
Jim
plays golf down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama
A
first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered
If
your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you might want to avoid saying these:
Letter To The FAA
It
was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia
When
the Creator was making the world
A
driver, parked in an illegal zone
At
an art exhibition there was a painting of three very naked
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
One
morning Johnny is early for school
At a
party, a women was observing Little Johnny
An
elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated
April Fool
A
teacher was asking her class what their fathers did
A
guy goes to a prostitute, and asks her what she charges for
A
dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son
A
priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine
Two
couples were playing cards one evening
A
man arrives in his office one morning to find his colleague
Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change
Two
deaf people get married
The
congregation liked their new clergyman
A
guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman
A
man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia
A
professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex"
A
customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign
Two
women go out one weekend without their husbands
A
little boy returning home from his first day at school
Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop
The
LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor
Texas Chili Cook-Off
A
man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center
THE
MAN CODE
A
woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor
A
teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students
The
Pope was finishing his sermon
A
clergyman was walking down the street when
Bumper Stickers That Should Exist
Due
to increasing products liability litigation
Little Johnny was having problems in English class
"Oriole sex"
A
cardiac specialist died and at his funeral
The
old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
Two
friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking
The
inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation
Some
Polish people decide to start a chicken
Two
cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach
A
very homely young woman made an appointment
At
one time in my life, I thought I had a handle
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute
13
Reasons Why it is so cool to be a man
A
police officer, though scheduled for all night duty
An
office manager had money problems and had
A
host went into the audience to find the most
One
day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch
Story Telling
A
little boy hears the word whorehouse
At
one point during a game, the coach said
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover
What
is the Iraqi Air Force motto?
A
new young MD was starting his residency
The
first grade teacher was starting a new lesson
A
carpenter was doing work for Johnny's folks
One
day the teacher held up a picture
A
man goes to a shrink and says
A
Polish couple were delighted when
Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son
Two
Arabs boarded a flight out of New York
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars
Special High Intensity Training