Send
JokesAll too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights to enhance the appearance of your
flight attendants. "
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On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If
you are going to leave anything please make sure it's something we'd like to
have. "
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane. "
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. "
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA! "
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A flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted. "
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From a Southwest Airlines employee. . . . "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YY! Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. "
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child. . .
pick your favorite.
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments. "
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children. . .
or other adults acting like children. "
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses. "
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"Last one off the plane must clean it! "
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault . . . it was the asphalt! "
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate! "
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal. "
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline. " He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? " "Why no, Ma'am,
" said the pilot, "What is it? " The little old lady asked, "Did we
land or were we shot down? "
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal. "
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