JokesHappiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times, I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Montana at least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the good chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid my be an honor student...but you're still an idiot!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test, and the results came back negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately, it kills all it's students.
Forget about World Peace, visualize using your turn signal!
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet & hungry...then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last...thinks the slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny Scotty! Now beam down my clothes!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Ever stop to think...and forget to start again??
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie"..'''til you can find a rock.
2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
3 kinds of people; those who can count & those who can't.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Back up my hard drive? how do I put it in reverse??
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!
Seen it all, done it all, just can't remember it all.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalograhpically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Honk if you love peace & quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like....night.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
On the other hand you have...different fingers.
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"Happiness is a journey, not a destination...work like you don't need the money...and love, like you have never been hurt"
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