JokesWhat did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off cliff in your new car.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
How do you double the value of a Neon?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What is a zebra?
An undergarment that's 26 sizes larger than an "A"bra.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help . . . after it bites your leg off.
How do you get fifty old ladies to say the word "F*ck" all at thesame time?
A. Have another one yell "Bingo!"
What do you call a pretty girl in England?
A. A tourist.
Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
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