JokesA four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
*********************************************
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know," she asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
*********************************************
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
********************************************
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
********************************************
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing," his mother asked? "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
*******************************************
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
*******************************************
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
*******************************************
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
*******************************************
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
*******************************************
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year old daughter and said, "would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
*******************************************
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. Real Signs:
Plumber - "We repair what your husband fixed."
Billboard on the side of the road - "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."On an Electricians truck - "Let us remove your shorts."
On Maternity Room Door - "Push, Push, Push.
"At an Optometrist's Office - "If you don't see what your looking for, you've come to the right place."
In a Podiatrist's office - "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesman Welcome. Dog food is expensive."
In a Veterinarians waiting room - "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Send
Jokes