TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

SUBJECT: Foul Language

DATE: March 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. 

INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Human Resources

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